I am guilty.
I judge people when they walk past, yes just by looking at them. I judge the things they say and I judge the motivation behind their actions.
We are all guilty.
I am trying to improve this part of me and my tendency to judge has greatly lessened, especially with the happenings in the past 3 years.
Recently I took a big step (for me at least). I felt God telling me that the new church campus we were launching needed a Wednesday night Bible study. He told me it needed to be Wednesday, that I needed to teach/facilitate, and he told me who I should ask to help with the class I would be in. I have been so confident in these things.
God has been clear.
This other part of me has been more self conscious than I have ever been in my life. Satan has been throwing things at me and quite frankly I just wanted to throw the towel in.
"How can YOU lead a class when you are a single mom? YOU don't have time!"
"Nobody is going to relate to you as a single mom."
"What happens if they don't like you?"
"What if you are late all of the time?"
"What if you don't live up to what HE wants?"
"YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE."
These are all things satan was telling me. I felt unworthy.
glory." 1 Thessalonians 2:12
Thankfully I did not give up. I pressed on, fought back the way I needed to and began the study. I was trying to walk worthy of the one who so clearly called me to this place.
The thing about this process is that for the first time in over 2 years I feel like myself. I feel like behind the shame of my sin which was so evident when I first became pregnant and revealed it, along with the shock of becoming a parent and focusing all of my energy on this little Jewell, I lost who I am in Him. I wouldn't trade being a parent for anything, however I feel more balanced in this calling.
He is bringing me out of this cloud I didn't know I was living in and I am so relieved and beyond thrilled.
I say all of this to say I have not been the same since I had my child. It has been a difficult load to bear and I could not have made it without my God and friends. I have judged people too often and I know that if people have judged me in the past 2 years I do not blame them. God is being glorified and I am working harder to "walk