They had fun activities, VBS, camp, children's choir, motions to the songs we sang, crafts, all things to make church a fun filled place...
I was a product of divorce. Even as a child I knew I was treated differently then... Jesus loves the little children? Did that apply to me? If so, why didn't it feel like it? But, I kept believing...because my heart told me to. Red, brown, yellow, scarred and white...
So, then comes Jr. High and High School, the differences more obvious now that ever, I was never invited to birthday parties or other fun things that happened outside of church, but if it was at church or sponsored by church I was there. Going through the motions, not making any major mistakes...I found acceptance from a handful of people but I often felt shunned, not good enough to be in the inner circle. Jesus? Do you love me still? Red, shunned, yellow, scarred, and white...
College came and I had the best time. I honestly found lifelong friendships and learned a host about myself and my God. I learned how to relate to people better even though nobody had ever taken the time to relate to me... It was a happy time and I learned how much I love people on the outside when I went on my first mission trips. It was then that I devoted my life and study to those who are different than me. Different in more ways than their upbringing but also in their language and income bracket and what they valued and spent their time and money on. Before this I had no exposure to those less fortunate than myself...
Jesus loves me this I know...and I love him too.
Life went well for a bit...I went through the motions, living and loving others. Moved to Arizona and loved me some Native kids. (I still miss those kiddos!) Came back and things went differently than I would have ever planned. My dad was sick from the alcohol he consumed my whole life. He passed away and rather than use all of that experience for good I had a break down. Made mistakes and sinned in ways I promised God and myself I never would. I was ashamed. Red, shunned, ashamed, black, and scarred...
I tried to move forward in a direction I thought I was supposed to go. Loving the thought of being in ministry with someone else...loving on children of another culture. When things weren't going well I moved back home and made a similar mistake to the ones of my past and got pregnant. I felt like I would never get out of that pit and break free. Stuck. Red, shunned, ashamed, stuck, and scarred...
Not only was I stuck...but being pregnant makes your sin visible. You can't hide behind a facade or mask. You are marked. Marked, shunned, ashamed, stuck, and scarred...
In a moment when I was working on some landscaping I had a moment of redemption and accepted grace from the ONLY one worthy to offer it. I knew to turn away from His offer of grace would be to discount the sacrifice He made and that was much more of a tragedy then the alternative. From that point on I was brought into another level in my relationship with Him. Before there was a self righteousness that I had in my heart that I couldn't have any longer. I could meet and understand others in their need where I hadn't before.
I thank God for the insight of both sides of this story. The person who has the facade that all is perfect and looks good on the outside as well as the person in the depths of a pit who can't see out. I know without a doubt that I am loved by a majestic God...
I want to be a person that encourages and loves others within the church as well as outside of the church so that they can come to know and love Him too. I do not want to be one of the people who turned their back on me...I pray that the church would love others as well. Not make them feel as if they are less than what God made them.
